I cannot believe the end is here! The end of this transition is here. Your desire for healing and your support has given me the courage to share my pain through words… I always knew that I could connect with people through my pain, but God reminded me that only healing can inspire healing. I realize that I wasn’t going through this just for me. He took me through this with you in mind. Thank you for reading and sharing. But, more importantly, not judging my tears.
Have you ever heard the saying, “When the past calls, it has nothing new to say”? Well the past came back with his same old tricks and it took everything in me to fight against the temptation. Fitz came back in August and asked if we could “start over”. I couldn’t fathom erasing two years of me begging and him rejecting me. How could I start a new chapter when I wasn’t sure what page we were currently on? I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the pain I would have to endure just to keep things going with Fitz. Before August, I had not seen him since my mother’s funeral in February. I spoke to him a few times over the months but, I always kept the conversation very short. I had entered into a season of consecration and I didn’t want to backslide. I was praying and consecrating for two very important reasons. I needed to love myself back to health. I was a mess. Depressed over the loss of my mom and depressed that after a year and a half, Fitz still wasn’t ready to commit. I had invested so much of myself and I desperately needed him to show his appreciation. I also entered a season of consecration because I needed to begin preparing myself for my husband. I knew that I wanted to be married in the future. I was so disgusted with the way things went with Fitz that I needed God to get me back on track. When it was time for me to meet my husband, I wanted to be ready. Not ready for marriage right away, but ready for love. Authentic, healthy, sustainable love. I wanted to be ready to grow and build with my partner. I thought too small with Fitz. How could I make myself more attractive to him? How could I make the sex better? What gift should I get him? I brought myself down to his level. I began to see myself the way he saw me; disposable.
After about six months of consecration and weeding through the potential prospects who came along, I wondered if God would make me wait years. I grew impatient and my imagination ran wild. I imagined meeting my husband in another state while I was on a business trip. I wondered then what was the point of consecrating ‘now’… What was significant about this time period? I waited, still holding on to Fitz — just in case he decided to get himself together. At least that’s what I was telling myself. Just in case God didn’t answer my prayer, I had a back up. I was going to continue to live and love in sin. I was prepared for it. I was prepared to be let down by God. Challenging God was a hard lesson I had to learn. I hope you will learn through my mistakes. Whatever you ask Him for, believe that He’s going to grant you the desires of your heart. I prayed but also worried. They do not go hand in hand. But, be wise in your prayers. Some of us get what we want and end up losing what we need. There was so much of myself that I was giving up. There was so much that I sacrificed. Ladies, I understand just wanting to be loved. We just want a man to love and adore us forgetting that He’s in the process of grooming our king. Trust the process. God showed me, me. You’re special to God. You’re significant to Him. The king God has for you will remind you of it every day. If you run after God the way you run after a man, God will give you a man you won’t have to run after.
God has proven just how forgiving He is. I’m not deserving, but God wanted me to have His best. It didn’t come packaged the way I expected, but what He sent was exactly what I ordered. I’m in awe at how God took the pieces from my heart and over time He put me back together. After putting me back together, He sent me someone that proved to me love doesn’t have to hurt for it to be real. The process was painful but, I love how God took care of me before giving me what I wanted. He gave me what I needed first; peace, calmness, joy. He made sure I was healed. He sent someone who is patient and caring because He knows that I need someone who will be gentle with me… You’ll heal, but sometimes you may still feel the sting when you think of where He brought you from. The sting is temporary. God’s best is permanent. While I was consecrating, He was grooming my king. I am excited about the journey I get to take with this extraordinary person. Whatever he came to teach me, I am here to learn it.
As I wrap up my last blog post of the year, I want to remind you that God has so much in store for you! He wants to do so much through you. Your story will save so many and your courage will inspire so many to tell their own story! What’s happening through you is a transition. The special thing about going through a transition is that you need God. He puts us in situations where we can’t trust anyone but Him. Trust your process and lean on God for direction. For two years, I begged Fitz to love me. A part of me hated myself because it seemed like I wasn’t enough for him. I wasn’t good enough. I did everything in my power to get him to choose me, and each time I failed. But, I can assure you that God cannot ignore the cry of a wounded woman who has held on to His hand when she should have given up. The king God has for you will find you. He’ll make it easy for you. All you have to do is trust God. Accept that you deserve more. You deserve better. You deserve more than just a little part. You deserve it all. As I grow in love, I will continue to share the lessons with you. We are all on this journey together. I’m honored that God chose me to deliver this particular message this year: Broken things become blessed things when you allow God to do the mending…
“My soul yearns for You in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for You.” Isaiah 26:9
Wishing you a fruitful New Year!