The Storm is Over…

I cannot believe the end is here! The end of this transition is here. Your desire for healing and your support has given me the courage to share my pain through words… I always knew that I could connect with people through my pain, but God reminded me that only healing can inspire healing. I realize that I wasn’t going through this just for me. He took me through this with you in mind. Thank you for reading and sharing. But, more importantly, not judging my tears.

Have you ever heard the saying, “When the past calls, it has nothing new to say”? Well the past came back with his same old tricks and it took everything in me to fight against the temptation. Fitz came back in August and asked if we could “start over”. I couldn’t fathom erasing two years of me begging and him rejecting me. How could I start a new chapter when I wasn’t sure what page we were currently on? I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the pain I would have to endure just to keep things going with Fitz. Before August, I had not seen him since my mother’s funeral in February. I spoke to him a few times over the months but, I always kept the conversation very short. I had entered into a season of consecration and I didn’t want to backslide. I was praying and consecrating for two very important reasons. I needed to love myself back to health. I was a mess. Depressed over the loss of my mom and depressed that after a year and a half, Fitz still wasn’t ready to commit. I had invested so much of myself and I desperately needed him to show his appreciation. I also entered a season of consecration because I needed to begin preparing myself for my husband. I knew that I wanted to be married in the future. I was so disgusted with the way things went with Fitz that I needed God to get me back on track. When it was time for me to meet my husband, I wanted to be ready. Not ready for marriage right away, but ready for love. Authentic, healthy, sustainable love. I wanted to be ready to grow and build with my partner. I thought too small with Fitz. How could I make myself more attractive to him? How could I make the sex better? What gift should I get him? I brought myself down to his level. I began to see myself the way he saw me; disposable.

After about six months of consecration and weeding through the potential prospects who came along, I wondered if God would make me wait years. I grew impatient and my imagination ran wild. I imagined meeting my husband in another state while I was on a business trip. I wondered then what was the point of consecrating ‘now’… What was significant about this time period? I waited, still holding on to Fitz — just in case he decided to get himself together. At least that’s what I was telling myself. Just in case God didn’t answer my prayer, I had a back up. I was going to continue to live and love in sin. I was prepared for it. I was prepared to be let down by God. Challenging God was a hard lesson I had to learn. I hope you will learn through my mistakes. Whatever you ask Him for, believe that He’s going to grant you the desires of your heart. I prayed but also worried. They do not go hand in hand. But, be wise in your prayers. Some of us get what we want and end up losing what we need. There was so much of myself that I was giving up. There was so much that I sacrificed. Ladies, I understand just wanting to be loved. We just want a man to love and adore us forgetting that He’s in the process of grooming our king. Trust the process. God showed me, me. You’re special to God. You’re significant to Him. The king God has for you will remind you of it every day. If you run after God the way you run after a man, God will give you a man you won’t have to run after.

God has proven just how forgiving He is. I’m not deserving, but God wanted me to have His best. It didn’t come packaged the way I expected, but what He sent was exactly what I ordered. I’m in awe at how God took the pieces from my heart and over time He put me back together. After putting me back together, He sent me someone that proved to me love doesn’t have to hurt for it to be real.  The process was painful but, I love how God took care of me before giving me what I wanted. He gave me what I needed first; peace, calmness, joy. He made sure I was healed. He sent someone who is patient and caring because He knows that I need someone who will be gentle with me… You’ll heal, but sometimes you may still feel the sting when you think of where He brought you from. The sting is temporary. God’s best is permanent. While I was consecrating, He was grooming my king. I am excited about the journey I get to take with this extraordinary person. Whatever he came to teach me, I am here to learn it.

As I wrap up my last blog post of the year, I want to remind you that God has so much in store for you! He wants to do so much through you. Your story will save so many and your courage will inspire so many to tell their own story! What’s happening through you is a transition. The special thing about going through a transition is that you need God. He puts us in situations where we can’t trust anyone but Him. Trust your process and lean on God for direction. For two years, I begged Fitz to love me. A part of me hated myself because it seemed like I wasn’t enough for him. I wasn’t good enough. I did everything in my power to get him to choose me, and each time I failed. But, I can assure you that God cannot ignore the cry of a wounded woman who has held on to His hand when she should have given up. The king God has for you will find you. He’ll make it easy for you. All you have to do is trust God. Accept that you deserve more. You deserve better. You deserve more than just a little part. You deserve it all. As I grow in love, I will continue to share the lessons with you. We are all on this journey together. I’m honored that God chose me to deliver this particular message this year: Broken things become blessed things when you allow God to do the mending…

“My soul yearns for You in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for You.” Isaiah 26:9

Wishing you a fruitful New Year!

Darian

Don’t hurt your help…

When you feel undeserving of love, it is true that you attract those who agree. Some of us can be so acquainted with trouble that we don’t know how to really exist when the trouble ends. We continue to search for trouble and we continue to attach ourselves to the people, places and things that add salt to our wounds.

Every summer until I was about nine years old, my grandmother would fly me out to the West Coast to visit my biological father. But, every time the summer came around, he would get in some trouble and he would spend the summer in jail. I never saw him during those summers with my grandmother but he always wrote letters. For nine-teen years I have written my father letters because he has spent the majority of my life in prison. When I was eleven, he was sentenced to 25 years in prison. I remember crying when my mom told me because I was sad that I wouldn’t get to see him that summer. I hadn’t seen him since I was three so I’m not sure what I thought I was missing, but I just remember being disappointed because for the fifth year in a row I believed him when he said we would spend time together. And for the fifth year in a row, he was getting locked up. But this time, in my mind, it was for good. While I was missing out on the physical presence of a father, I still had my “daddy”…. My mother married my step father when I was five years old, and he had become my best friend. When I was in the 8th grade, I found out he cheated on my mom, and I immediately reacted the way I thought my mother would. My mother didn’t exactly react the way I thought so I found myself fighting alone. She took his side, and I stood alone. I was embarrassed for my mother and also very hurt. I knew he hurt her but she was trying to be strong. She was really sick at this point and I knew she didn’t want her family to split so she stuck it out. While she chose to love him anyhow, I chose to shut down. I wasn’t giving in and for years I kept my distance. My mother felt like I was causing tension in her marriage so she cut me off a couple of times through out the years thinking that getting rid of me would make him treat her better. She reminded me that I was the step child and that he was doing ME a favor by helping her raise me. When she told me that, he decided to act that way. He made me feel like I didn’t belong there and that they were all doing me a favor by allowing me to be a part of their family. That made me hate him more.

What is so tragic about being a victim of emotional and psychological abuse is we often view ourselves as victims of pain. In reality, we have been a victim, but that is not WHO we are…. That is not what YOU are. We begin to expect pain from life, and eventually that is all we ever accept. We think because that’s what we have been given that must be what we deserve. Any man that I approached me that seemed to be nice or genuine, I pushed away. I didn’t trust a man like that because I didn’t recognize him. I didn’t recognize that he wasn’t trying to hurt or abuse me. There seemed to be so much rain in my life that I didn’t understand that sometimes God doesn’t deliver us “from” a thing; He simply walks us “through” it. I always wanted God to get me away from my step father. But, it never happened. I was linked to him until my mother passed away. It is ironic that the person I was trying to protect had already forgiven him and moved on, and I was still here on earth suffering on the inside. When we ignore pain, it doesn’t go away, and when we lie to ourselves, it doesn’t change the truth.

What I didn’t realize until I got older was although I was pushing my step father away, I secretly wanted him to fight for me. Him fighting for my love proved to me that I was worth it and that his “I love yous” had meaning. But, he never fought. He gave me his reason for having an affair and expected me to just accept that. He dumped all of these emotional issues on me and just expected me to deal. Whenever I would analyze my relationship with Fitz and try to pick out different life lessons God was teaching me, I never once wanted to address the fact that he reminded me of my step father. Fitz’s lack of communication and lack of commitment traumatized me more than it should have. I had these unrealistic expectations of Fitz that probably made it more difficult for him to love me and even more difficult for me to be happy with him. Since I was attached to a man who had very similar qualities of my step father, I wanted him to make up for what my step father lacked. I wanted him to love me the way I wanted my father to love me. I wanted him to fight for me, adore me, and protect me the way I wish my father would have. But what I failed to realize was not only was Fitz not my step father, but Fitz lacked some of the things my father lacked.

When I thought about how confused these daddy issues had me, I looked at my relationship with Fitz in a different light. I realized that I had found someone like my father because I wanted to go back to the very thing that hurt me to heal me. I tried my best to help Fitz in hopes of him healing me from my past pain. But at the end of it all, we were both left in pain. My emotional needs were not met, and Fitz still wasn’t ready to change. That is when I realized my healing was contingent upon my willingness to truly forgive.

Being made whole happens when what was once painful, has now made you powerful. Go where you can get help. So many of us go back to where we were hurt expecting to get healed, and unfortunately it doesn’t always play out the way we expected. God knew what you would have to go through in order for you to grow into who He has called you to be. If God already knew the amount of rain you would experience, that means He has plenty of sunshine to make up for it. God knows how to send just enough to bring us balance. Forgiving my step father was the hard part, but it was necessary. Forgiveness is always necessary when healing and becoming a better you. I made my father’s relationship with my mother my issue. All of the pain and hurt he caused her, I took it on. But, when she was able to let go, I wasn’t. I held on to that bitterness for years because I was waiting for him to do something to make me feel like I was worthy. My mom didn’t make him fight, so I wanted to see if I had the power to make him do it for me. But, when I realized that was never going to happen, I was afraid that I would never feel like I was worthy. I realized the only way to truly see myself the way God saw me was to forgive the past, and accept help. I had to stop going through the motions and functioning on the outside just because I was afraid of a little healing. And I had to stop hurting the people who wanted to love me just because I thought I didn’t deserve their love. I’m not exactly sure how much a role my biological father’s absence plays in my past hurt, but I do know that no matter what there is purpose in everything God allows to happen in our life. His absence is for a reason. We may not always know or understand the reason, but never give your power to something or someone that takes your peace. God grants you grace and power so that you can get through the storm. Don’t stay in a storm for years because you’re waiting for the person who hurt you to give you back your power.

What God wants to do through you is greater than what you’re stuck in right now. Whatever you need, whatever your heart desires, He’ll give it to you.

Xoxo.

Darian

What’s The Point?

Anytime God comes into your life and extends the courtesy of a new season or unveils a new gift, it’s because there’s something in your future that’s much brighter than the days of your past.

After the passing of my mother, I couldn’t help but wonder: “What’s the point?” No matter what anyone said to me, I couldn’t see life beyond where I was at that moment. How could I move forward without the person I thought I was responsible for? Why did God promise me all of these things if my mother wasn’t going to be around to see it? What was the point? One morning, God said to me: “You have wasted as much time as you are ever going to waste. You no longer need to waste time worrying about stuff that you don’t have the power to change. You will no longer waste time trying to explain to people what I am doing in your life. You will no longer waste time trying to resolve conflicts with people who aren’t interested in them being resolved. You must preserve your strength and time. It’s time for you to go after things that really matter in life.” During my most intimate moments with God, He spoke to me and pushed me beyond the limitations I put on myself. One of the most traumatic experiences I had ever encountered gave me a new perspective on life, love and relationships. I couldn’t believe in all of my sadness and confusion, God was using my life as an example of His infinite grace and mercy. He was going to get me through the storm, and by my strength, He would save people in the process. For months, I wrote until I finished my book, Rubies. I also wrote blog posts. This blog helped me connect with others who were hurting like me in their relationships. You all allowed me to be transparent, but more importantly, honest with myself. It was during this healing process that I realized, my old mentality wouldn’t be able to hold my new blessing.

Whenever you are ready for something new, be careful not to attach something that is old with that something which is new. Part of me still wanted to cut some pieces from my past and patch them into my future. But, at some point in your life, you have to stretch everything about you. You have to stretch your mind, heart, and desires. I stretched my mind to the point that I believed God could do ANYTHING! I stretched my heart to the point that I believed God could repair and heal anyone. And in stretching my desires, I realized that even though I’m not deserving, God still gives me His best. When you begin to understand the preciousness of time, it makes you extremely careful of how you spend yours. It also makes you extremely careful on WHO you spend your time. When you really begin to understand the preciousness of time, you don’t give it up so easily, and you certainly don’t waste it on people who are full of foolishness.

For years, I was wasting my purpose and my passion. But, there is something that happens in the heart of a person that realizes they’ve wasted opportunities. They start realizing they’re going to redeem their time! That’s what happened to me. As I was finishing my book, I realized all the time I had wasted, and I so desperately wanted to make up for it. Whatever I needed to change, I changed it! I knew that God would not continue to waste wisdom and opportunities on people who were inflexible and unchangeable. I became stronger and wiser through my transition. I learned that death isn’t just a transition for the person’s life. It is a transition for everyone connected to that person. The special thing about being in transition, is that you need God. He puts you in situations where you can’t trust anyone but Him. God had to show me that He was still in control. Even if things didn’t happen the way I wanted them to, I still had to trust that His plans for my life were good.

God allows things to happen to us not to break or destroy us, but to strengthen us. Through my transition, broken things became blessed things because I let God do the mending. Allow God to mend whatever is broken in your life. He can change anyone and His grace is what saves us all. You can’t go into your new season with your old mind, and in order to change your mind, you’ve got to empty yourself out of limitations. Empty all of the regret. All you can do is redeem yourself by going forward! Your greatest blessings will be found in the most uncomfortable places! Opportunity has never knocked when it was convenient — it has always knocked in chaos.

In the beginning, I asked: “what was the point?” The point is, God can pull out of you things you never knew were in you. There’s treasure in you. Purpose lies in you, and it’s up to you to find your power. God uses storms to strengthen us and prepare us for a place of greater. So, the next time you ask: “what’s the point?” Be prepared for God to show you.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

Xoxo,

Darian

Too much pressure!

Earlier this year when my friend Antwone came to DC to visit me, he asked me a question that has always made me feel uncomfortable whenever people ask me. — He asked me if I ever feel the pressure to be perfect? This is a question I’ve been asked many times by my friends, and it’s always made me think – at least for a minute or two. Often times when something provokes us to think or reassess some things, we become uncomfortable. But, I’ve learned that if something does not challenge you, it will not change you. The reason Antwone asked me that question was because we have had the pleasure of knowing each other for the last four years and he’s witnessed many of the people in our senior class come to me for guidance and advice. People always thought I had the solution to everything so they assumed that I had it all together. That was hardly ever the case. No one really knew the personal battles I was fighting because I didn’t talk about them… Unless I was talking to my best friend, Keva. She got me through a lot my senior year. I explained to Antwone that it seems like I have the answers to a lot of stuff, but that’s only because I’ve been through a lot of stuff. Some lessons I learned the first go round, and others I repeated the same mistakes and learned a couple more lessons. He understood after I had given him that explanation, but I still had not answered his question – do I feel the pressure to be perfect?

At that moment, my answer was no. I was trying to convince myself that what I was about to tell him was the truth. It was partially true. I knew he was asking me if I felt the pressure from other people to be perfect, and that was “no.” But, I absolutely did feel the pressure. For the last couple of years, I had become stressed and overwhelmed by the pressure I was putting on myself. As I was trying to convince Antwone as well as myself that I felt no pressure, I realized emotional wounds do not always have outward signs of inward turmoil.

Antwone doesn’t beat around the bush and he says exactly what’s on his mind. He’s easily frustrated if you’re missing his point…. and that’s what makes me love him. I, too am extremely frustrated if someone is missing my point. I’ve always appreciated his honesty and his love. Often times, we forget that correction is not always criticism. Correction is usually all love. If your friend doesn’t really care about you, they won’t waste their time trying to correct you. They will allow you to remain who you are, offering you no assistance when it comes to growth. Antwone is the type of friend that will always let me know when I’m trippin, and he won’t be afraid to tell me just that. He’s secure in our friendship and whether or not I get his lesson right away, I’m appreciative of it at that moment because I know 9 times out of 10, it’s going to change my thinking.

Earlier this week, I got some really bad news. I am the oldest of 4 girls, so naturally I had it the hardest. I was the guinea pig when it came to learning how to be a parent. I took whatever I was given. I wasn’t a demanding child and I also wasn’t confident in who I was growing up. My sisters played instruments, sports and they all got really good grades. And then there was me. I wanted to play the piano and run track but for whatever reason, I wasn’t afforded the same opportunities as my sisters. But, that’s neither here nor there. I’ve dealt with that part of my life. During that part of my life, I spent a lot of time writing. I spent a lot of time on punishment, so I would type up stories on my desktop and save them on my floppy disks (90’s child!). My mom started to go totally blind when I was very young so she taught me how to use the computer when I was eight. It was a good and bad thing. It was good because I could type up her homework for her, save it in a folder for her and then print the document. But, when I was 13, I created a Myspace account and I would check it everyday. But, by then I knew how to delete my history and erase the cookies so I wouldn’t get caught. — but that’s another story. The point is I loved being on the computer and I loved to write, but I never shared that with anyone because as a kid, I didn’t think it mattered. I was really good at telling a compelling story and I loved to make up stories, but I never ever had the courage to tell anyone… When you give a child your attention, you let them know that their ideas are valuable.

Since I always took what I was given, when I got older I made it a point to always go after what I wanted. I felt like whatever I wanted out of life, I had to make it happen for myself….and that’s exactly what I’ve spent the last couple of years doing. Thankfully, it has built character and I’ve developed some good quality traits because of this attitude, but it’s also hindered me in some areas. I’m not exactly sure how to be vulnerable with people and I feel uncomfortable asking for help — so I don’t do it. Part of me may feel like I don’t deserve what someone wants to offer me. I don’t necessarily feel deserving. And I also feel ashamed for needing help. I’ve put so much pressure on myself over the years that I feel like I have failed if I need help. Some of us don’t always realize the complexes and insecurities in our lives until we sit down and really assess how we’re handling life and everything it’s trying to teach us. I don’t have anything to prove to people but I feel like I have so much to prove to myself. The bad news I received earlier this week came from a very sweet lady who works in the registrar’s office at Howard University. She informed me that I had to pay my balance of $11,000 before returning for another semester. My eyes immediately filled up with tears but I tried to keep it together on the phone so that she couldn’t hear the pain and disappointment in my voice. There I was being too prideful and ashamed to let anyone know that I wasn’t going to be able to handle something…. She kept asking me was there anyway I would be able to pay SOMETHING?! I just kept telling her that I would figure it out. She wished me luck and we got off the phone. Whether the feelings are right or wrong, they’re very real. I was upset with God at that very moment because He knew the struggle….He knew the work that it took. Of course, I knew from the very beginning I could not afford to go to Howard University. My mom had passed away three weeks after the semester started and my step dad was giving me the run around with his taxes, so I had no financial aid. And I couldn’t take out any loans without a cosigner. I didn’t have the courage to call and ask anyone and I also didn’t think it was their responsibility. I knew what I was getting myself into BUT, I just have this crazy faith that if God brings me to something, He’ll bring me through it. I was upset that morning because I was in my feelings, but without a doubt I have unshakeable faith. I KNOW things will work out in my favor in due time. I probably won’t be able to go back to Howard this semester and that’s ok….. It’s ok for now.

It wasn’t until I got that bad news earlier this week that I really went back and thought about the question Antwone asked me a few months back. I didn’t tell anyone about the Howard issue except for my friend, Angelique. Of course if you’re reading this post, now you know but it wasn’t or it isn’t something I wanted to share. I was too embarrassed that I had worked so hard for something and now I wasn’t going to be able to keep it. I’ve dealt with disappointment in the past. I’ve been let down by so many people that it’s what I expect SOMETIMES. Let’s just say I’m shocked when someone follows through. The point is I would never let ME down, and the bad news just made me feel bad about myself. I couldn’t figure it out… I have no way of knowing how I’m going to pay for Howard — and to me that is me letting myself down.

Some call me dramatic, but I like to think of it as being passionate. But when you’re passionate like me, there’s a couple of things you have to make sure are secure… I am surrounded and loved by great people, but I’m not open. I’m not emotionally available. I can be there for others, but I don’t know how to let others be there for me. You may be able to get through some things on your own, but you’ll never get through everything by yourself. Let people in. I’m full of God, but I’m full of myself at the same time. That won’t work. I can’t say that I trust God but then be upset when something doesn’t work out the way I thought it would…. I’m putting more of my trust in my own natural abilities. That will hinder our blessings every time. Be secure in who are you now. Be secure in who God created you to be. My childhood was sad, bad things happened to me, and life has always seemed like a struggle, but after awhile the sad past stops defining who you are. It never really defines who you are. It’s apart of your life and it has shapes you into who you are today, but you cannot continue to carry the pain of the past…….. especially if you want a peaceful future. These are all lessons I had/have to learn by going through. Some situations I get myself into, but a lot of times God takes me through certain things just to show YOU something. He knows what I can handle and He knows what you need so I trust Him.

No one can make you feel pressured unless you’re in agreement. I’ve wasted years “trying to perfect an image” that I could not afford and as a result it’s left me to deal with a lot of things alone…. Power lies in being able to be transparent and vulnerable at times. It gets challenging with each post, but I’m grateful that you have allowed me to share my heart with you. There’s so much healing in this blog. Grateful He chose me.

It never gets easier, but it gets better.

Thanks for listening.

Darian

Purity isn’t just about SEX….

As I prepare for a single and purity session that I was asked to be apart of at my church, I reflect on the majority of my single life that I spent being impure. When I was first asked to speak to young girls about purity, I immediately said yes because I’ll pretty much do anything for the person who asked me. When this person first asked me to speak about purity, I had literally just entered into my season of consecration. I was finally done with my dysfunctional relationship that I was having with Fitz and I had finally made up in my mind that I wanted to live a pure life. I wanted to be saved foreal. I knew it would take time getting there, but I didn’t become nervous about the process until I agreed to speak to the young women about purity. Although I had made that mental shift, I still felt impure. I still didn’t feel like I deserved forgiveness or the opportunity to speak to young girls about something that I struggled with for so long. I wasn’t sure I would be able to connect. I remember talking to some friends about me not being pure. “Girl, how am I gonna tell these girls not to have sex….and how to live a pure life….and how men should treat them? Nothing about me is pure.” I was joking but also very serious at the same time. At the time, I didn’t feel confident at all. I still felt very guilty about my past with Fitz and other men. I felt very insecure and I was just becoming comfortable with wearing my crown.

Although purity isn’t just about sex, it plays a significant role. So many of us entertain things that aren’t pure but because we haven’t gotten caught or we haven’t experienced any real consequences as a result of our actions, we don’t believe what we’re doing is that bad. I think part of me knew I wasn’t living a pure life because I always thought if my friends or if my mentors knew some of the things I was doing in my spare time, I would be so embarrassed and ashamed. But, then part of me didn’t feel like I was doing anything wrong because I never got pregnant. I never got any STDs. I never got hooked on any hard drugs. It wasn’t until I developed real feelings for the wrong person. Once I realized the type of person I was turning into just to get the attention from Fitz, I realized I was living an extremely impure life. Since the women’s conference was months away, I believed that I had time to get myself together. I believed that God was calling me to accountability, so I knew that He would bless me according to my level of integrity.

While I was playing the Christian role, I was fighting demons every day. My spirit and flesh would wrestle through the week and then I would be so weak on Sunday. When the praise team would sing worship songs, tears would stream down my cheeks because I was just so embarrassed to stand in God’s presence knowing I was choosing to be disobedient and rebellious. I felt stupid for not believing His love was enough. Every Sunday my pastor would say something in his sermon that was confirmation that I wasn’t suppose to be with Fitz, but I would always pray the opposite. I would beg God to let him be the one. I had no idea how traumatic my future with Fitz would be all because I decided to choose my mate instead of letting God choose my mate for me.

Being single becomes a struggle when we wish we had something that someone else has. Society tries to make us believe that to be single means you are lonely, and that is not the case. When we adopt that thinking, it becomes hard to live a pure single life. We begin to settle for whatever man comes along, we engage in sexual activities with men who aren’t committed to us, and we begin to have babies with men who aren’t even interested in being a father. When I met Fitz, I wanted to be in a relationship with him because all of my friends were in relationship. I was tired of updating them on guys I was going out with. I didn’t have any relationship stories to connect to theirs. Honestly, I wasn’t really ready to handle most of the baggage that came with Fitz, but I tried anyway. I came with insecurities – which I didn’t know I had until I began dating Fitz. Fitz came with a kid, a baby mama, insecurity issues, criminal record and whole lot more. But, like most women, I only wanted to focus on the good  – his degrees, his income and his humor. That’s it? I know, that’s not much to work with but I was willing to settle for that just to escape the sadness of being single..

God quickly proved what’s for everyone else isn’t for me. They may be ok living a life of mediocrity, but I wasn’t created for that. I chose to disobey God and to ignore the signs because I wanted to satisfy my flesh. I wanted temporary satisfaction. In the 15 months that I dealt with Fitz, I was still always single. I went through all of the hurt and didn’t even get out of it what I went into it looking for; a relationship.  He still didn’t choose me, and it took ME 15 months to finally choose me. That is the problem with putting others first. You teach them that you come second. As painful as the Fitz situation was, I learned so much about myself. I saw how I was treating myself, how others were treating me, and how I was teaching people to treat me. It was more about how I saw myself and how I portrayed myself. Purity became deeper than me saving myself for the King God had for me. It was about loving who it was God was calling me to be and accepting the fact that I may have had a bigger assignment than those around me. Purity wasn’t just about sex anymore. It was about me as a person and as a leader. I realized that I thought about this all wrong when I was asked to speak to the girls about purity. All I thought about was sex, sex, sex……. but, I’m thankful in this season of consecration and preparation, God has taught me that purity is “more than just saying no to you-know-what.”

There was a penalty to pay for all of the people I slept with. It wasn’t as easy as just going to the altar to ask God for forgiveness. That’s a part of the process, but there’s so much that I had to learn to ensure that I did not repeat the same mistakes. Not only did I learn the lessons for me, but I learned them for you. I want to help you be a better you. I want to encourage you to practice self love daily. It is the only thing that will protect you from the manipulation that others try to call love. I’ve endured too much not to be committed to the purity of my spirit. What used to be a “struggle” to me no longer has that kind of power in my life. I’m committed to setting an example and letting all that I do be a reflection of Him. Remember, when God chooses your mate, He chooses someone that’s going to be able to accommodate where you’re going.

When I talk to those young women at the women’s conference, I can only pray that my healing will still connect to their pain, confusion and insecurity. I used to believe that only pain could connect to pain. It’s how I’ve connected to so many people over the years. I’ve lived my life in pain since I was a little girl. I was always bitter about a situation and I resented people for so long that although I knew better, it was easier to just be hurt.. I was used to that. But, it was during one of my most intimate moments with God that He told me my pain would never heal anyone. It may connect me with certain people, but it would never heal a soul. Maya Angelou once said “I do not trust people who do not love themselves, and yet tell me, ‘I love you.'” Her quote has always given me chills because for years people trusted me and believed me when I said God would heal their pain…..But, I never believed that for myself. I had to start putting myself first and making some things happen for myself. When these young women sit in the presence of healing, I pray that they are compelled to change.

If you are in pain, I want you to know that I’ve been there. I’ve felt what you’re feeling. Not just with Fitz, but with life. Healing doesn’t have to be deep, dark, and mysterious. But, it has to be desired.

With love,

Darian

The Anointed Woman

A man that finds a wife finds favor with The Lord. Most men in the absence of having a good woman in their life only have good ideas. But in the company of a Godly woman, an idea becomes a dream. Men, you have to understand that any man that does not have a wife is running on grace because a man does not get his favor until the wife comes. Ladies, you have to understand that an anointed woman of God isn’t dreaming about a man. An anointed woman of God dreams for her man.

 

Any man that does not have a wife is running on grace because a man does not get his favor until the wife comes.

8 months ago when I realized I was pregnant with twins (grace & favor), I made the decision not to miscarry for the fifth or sixth time. I wanted to give birth to these gifts God had placed inside of me so I knew I was going to have to enter into a season of consecration. When I first started this blog, I had no idea why God wanted me to share my struggles with Fitz with you. But, today it all makes sense. Many women have experienced a Fitz and some are still holding on to their Fitz when in reality Fitz doesn’t want to be held. We have all had a Fitz who wants to be free but wants to enjoy the perks of being kept. Take, but never give. 6 months ago, I would have never imagined letting my Fitz go. But, a lot can change when you surrender it all to God.

When I met Fitz almost two years ago, I fell in love with who I saw him becoming. I fell in love with the vision God was giving me for his life. Like many people, God gives me insight into their future. I’m usually assigned to someone’s life for a season to either deliver the message God has for them or to push and counsel them. God did not give me insight on Fitz until Fitz stopped talking to me for three months without any notice. By that time, I was attached. I had already given myself to him emotionally, physically and mentally that the vision only made me want him more. When a woman is really connected to who a man is, she begins to dream about what she sees him accomplishing, and what she sees him becoming. Something is significant when the dream is so profound that God won’t let you forget it. I held onto Fitz for so long because I was patiently waiting for him to become what I saw. I was waiting for the change. I wanted to be there for the breakthrough. But, as I was waiting for his breakthrough, I was breaking on the inside. I was neglecting the vision for my own life. I spent most of my time strategizing how I would get Fitz to see me and to love me. I wanted him to see that I was the connection to his future. I wanted him to see that God was giving me insight on his future. Fitz wasn’t secure or confident enough to deal with my gifts, and I was too weak to accept that.

When a woman is really connected to who a man is, she begins to dream about what she sees him accomplishing, and what she sees him becoming.

 

I knew what I could offer and what I brought to the table but I didn’t understand the value of it all until he began to treat me like I had no value. As women and future wives, God often uses us as a vessel. He gives messages and all we need to do is deliver it. We don’t hav to try to get involved and stick around for them receive it. I didn’t think of it that way. I wanted to give the message and I wanted him to reward me for giving him the message by choosing to love me. We are so impatient and so unsure about ourselves that we just want a man to hurry up and love us. We want to change and groom men completely forgetting that God is already in the process of doing that. Men, if you have enough confidence to not be insecure and threatened about the woman God sent you, when she speaks, she is speaking from the voice of God for what she sees over your life!

If you’re anything like the old me, you’re probably thinking you’ve done too much crap to ever be able to bounce back and find your king. I’m a living testament that that is not true. Although, I have not been connected to my King yet, I see myself as a Queen. That confirms that there is a King somewhere preparing to be with me. As much as I love social media, I hardly read anything that’s ever posted on my newsfeed. Society’s view on relationships is ridiculous, and if you read it enough you’ll begin to believe their “truth” over what God has put in your heart. There are memes all over the internet with 10 rules on how to keep your man with #1 being performing oral sex. The old me would screen shot that picture and refer to it anytime my significant other was upset, or anytime I felt like I was losing him. I had to start taking control over what I allowed into my spirit. It doesn’t matter how many times you get down on your knees to perform oral sex for these men who see no value in YOU, a KING that has been groomed by God for a Queen will always choose the woman who got down on her knees to pray for him. Be who it is God put in your heart to be. It doesn’t matter what people have to say about you. They thought what they knew about your past would disqualify you…. They have every reason why you shouldn’t have true love, but God will override the decision. I spent more nights crying and begging God to change who I was on the inside than I did praying. I was so broken from all of the failed attempts to be loved by men that all I could do was just beg God for his forgiveness. God cannot resist the sound of a wounded woman who has held on to His hand when she should have given up.

Signed: The Anointed Woman who was once broken, but now healed.

I was running on empty..

Fill me up God..

When I began to listen to the words of this song, my spirit quickly took to the song. “Fill me up God. Fill me up till I overflow. I want to run over.” During this season of consecration, I have been getting rid of the toxins. I’ve cut off toxic love relationships. I had to chill on the toxic behavior, and I had to stop entertaining toxic conversations with toxic people. But it wasn’t until I heard this song that I realized I was running on empty.

The Unprepared Wife..

If you want a man to respect you, give him something to respect.

I feel like a thirty-five year old woman trapped inside of a twenty-one, almost twenty-two year old girl’s body. I can’t stop thinking about marriage. I’m not ready to get married now. I need about 6 or 7 more years, BUT I’ve been wondering if I’ll ever get married? Where is my Boaz? In the last year and a half, I have been on more dates than I can count…Some worth going on, and many worth erasing the memory of. I’ve met men with charming personalities and a lot of potential. Unfortunately, potential just isn’t enough. I’m not satisfied with knowing that you MIGHT make a good boyfriend and hopefully a faithful husband. Well, I’m not satisfied anymore…..now that I know I want to be married one day. Some of the men from my past followed the same pattern…..disappearing acts. They just fell off the face of the earth. No text/call/email…..nothing. Lately, I’ve met men who don’t believe in God, the institution of marriage, or being loyal to women. I had to raise my eyebrow because I couldn’t figure out for the life of me how I attracted them. God? Marriage? Loyalty to women? Those are three important things to me… How could I possibly move forward with these men? I couldn’t. 

Where is my Boaz?

One of my friends met a guy nine months ago, and she truly believed in her heart that he is was her husband. When she confessed this to me, they had never even spoken a word to each other but she just felt it in her spirit. Nine  months later, with little conversation here and there, a few likes on some Instagram pictures, and a friend request on Facebook, she still feels the same way she did when she first laid eyes on him. He knows that she likes him but he has yet to make a move. When discussing something over lunch one day, he made a comment saying; “I don’t move unless God tells me to move.” As annoyed as I was for my friend because I felt like he was playing hard to get, I had to respect that comment and a man like that is one to be admired. Ladies, you definitely want a man who seeks God’s counsel. I personally don’t make any major moves until I get confirmation from God so I would definitely look for that in the man that I choose to be my husband. Since I started this blog, I’ve been pretty open with my back and forth with Fitz and in my last post, “Game Over”, I thought I was really DONE with Fitz until he called and set me straight last week. Our conversation made me realize when I’m dealing with relationships, I operate out of fear. I over analyze many things and I become insecure off of “what ifs.” I complain about Fitz’s lack of communication not realizing that men can’t communicate with you when you are always attacking them. I feel the need to be aggressive with men so that I don’t come off as weak but the truth of the matter is, men need to see a weak spot. Otherwise, they will not feel needed. Men want to be able to help, solve, make better, control, provide… They need that. I have to learn how to be vulnerable. I don’t know how to make a guy feel needed because I didn’t have a guy in my life that I depended on. I learned how to take care of things on my own so when a guy tries to make me feel like I need him, I’m quick to remind him that I don’t. Luckily, if we refuse to see ourselves, God will send someone to show us, us! After my talk with Fitz and some girl talk with my roommate, I realized there’s so much that I still need to work on before I can truly be a partner for someone. As I was going back and forth with Fitz, I wondered if God was still grooming him. He’s grooming the both of us. Whether or not He’s grooming us for each other, He’s definitely grooming us for our future. After 9 months of no progress with the man she believes is her husband, my friend can’t help but to wonder why God would show her her husband but not allow her to move forward with him just yet… She’s received confirmation that he’s just not ready. He still has a lot of growing to do and if God were to let her have him now, she probably wouldn’t even want him. She’s a lot more patient than me. She’s going to remain still. I’m the complete opposite. If he’s not ready at the time I need him to be ready, I’ll move on to the next…. That was before I realized I wanted to be married and how patience was something I would have to learn before becoming anyone’s wife.

Whether or not He’s grooming us for each other, He’s definitely grooming us for our future.

I only knew that I would really be married when God began to take me through the training. Every woman’s training to be a wife is different but you’ll know when you’re going through it. I’m assuming that the training is also the grooming. All that is ugly on the inside, God is making beautiful. All that is not like Him, He’s stripping away. The toughest part of my training has been the outward transformation; the way I carry myself. I’m a Gemini; the best zodiac sign. But, I’m one of the good Geminis. I’m the wild, life of the party, outgoing, spur of the moment type of Gemini. I believe in trying everything once and being a free spirit, but over the years I’ve taken that mentality to another level. Through my training, I’ve had to pay attention to the way I wear my clothes, the places I go to have “fun” and the conversations I have with men. A few weeks ago, I was preparing to go out on a date and my roommate was helping me find an outfit. She sat there staring at me as I tried on a shirt and then threw it back on the bed because the front was too low. She sat there laughing at me because she couldn’t believe that I was actually considering the fact that my clothes may have not been appropriate. I was shocked too but I knew I wanted to come off as a lady to this man. In the past, I couldn’t understand why I kept attracting these men that thought it was ok to ask me to send them a naked pic, or “come through” and chill at their house. I wanted to make an impression on this new guy. I wanted him to look at me and think: classy. I knew how to make classy look sexy so I wasn’t worried about him being attracted to me. I just didn’t want this fool to TRY me. After many outfit changes, my mission was accomplished….. Since we met at a lounge during Happy Hour, he knew that I was a social drinker so for the second date he invited me to his house for dinner and drinks. Any other time, I would be down to let a man cook for me and I would bring the drinks, but this time I wasn’t down. We had only gone on one date and I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression by going to his house late in the evening to eat…..and get drunk. I’ve had enough drunk nights with men I barely knew and I didn’t want that to be my testimony anymore so I declined. —– These are just a few examples of the decisions I have to make when going through this training to become a wife. No one really knows how to be a wife. It’s a learning experience. You learn as you go, but you have to make sure you’re prepared. Is marriage something you value? Do you believe in love? Are you committed to being a man’s partner for LIFE? 

I wanted him to look at me and think: classy.

While I believe men should come correct, I also believe that women have to make sure they do the same. You can’t expect from a man what you are not even willing to try. We teach men how to treat us with the way we carry ourselves, the way we talk about ourselves and other women, and the way we behave in private. We teach them what we believe is acceptable. As I go through my training, I realize what I thought I wanted in a man is not at all what I really want. I’ve been very careful when praying for my husband. I want to make sure the man I’m praying for is the man God is grooming for me. A King is not a King without his Queen so before He leads you to your King, you must first recognize that you’re wearing a crown. Allow God to groom you and take you through the training. Your King will be a better King because you were prepared. 

Game over.

Unfortunately I’m in that generation where the person who shows the least amount of interest holds the power. You honestly may not know how someone feels about you because there’s a game being played in the other person’s mind: Who’s better at hiding their feelings? From waiting 45 mins to an hour before responding to a text so it doesn’t come off that you’re really into the person, to not texting first so you don’t seem thirsty, to not calling more than twice so they can’t show their friends that you’re a bug-a-boo. Yeah, it’s real out here and a person like me who plays none of those games is struggling to be in a REAL relationship.

If you have been following my blog since the beginning, you know about Fitz. After my mother’s funeral, I told Fitz that I needed space. I needed time to get over him and I really wanted to end things with him so I knew if I told him I needed space to heal from my mothers passing, He would give me that space. He did. I haven’t talked to Fitz in a little over two months. He has called here and there but I never answered or returned his calls. When I don’t talk to Fitz, in my mind I think I’m getting over him. But Im not. I’m just forgetting about him for the moment. I realized this when he called me on Friday and I actually answered the phone. He told me he was in town and wanted to see me. I wasn’t in DC. I was in Virginia for the weekend and told him we would probably miss each other on this trip. Honestly, I loved hearing his voice and I really wanted to see him but I was trying to avoid temptation. He invited me to one of Howard’s most poppin’ parties, #DND. I won’t tell you what DND means because it’s ignorant, lol. But a few times a year, they throw really big parties and this past weekend they were having a huge cookout at a park in DC. I really had no desire to go and I wasn’t going to go. After my photo shoot on Saturday, there was a hour left before the cookout would be over so I decided to go against my gut feeling and go. I began to call Fitz to let him know I was coming and when he didn’t answer his phone the FIRST time I called, I knew I wasn’t going to hear from him that day. Immediately, I was experiencing some anxiety. I was getting ready to be embarrassed and I knew it. I was getting ready to make a fool out of myself and I knew it. Before the party, at the party and after the party, I called Fitz. I probably called him 5 or 6 times before deciding to go clean off on him. My emotions were on a 10. I went off on his voicemail and sent him an angry text. After doing all of that extra, I realized that I was not even close to being over Fitz and it completely blew my mind. How could I still be stuck on stupid and why can’t I just learn the lesson and move on? I didn’t hear from Fitz until Sunday night – 24 hours after the situation. I didn’t answer.

I am obsessed with the challenge of getting Fitz to feel the same way I feel about him. Although I know exactly how a situation with Fitz will pan out before entering it, I still go against my judgement and try.. I give him chance after chance to be better to me than he has been and he always disappoints me. Fitz is the first guy I have ever wanted that didn’t want me in the same way. What’s funny about that is Fitz has told me that he wants to marry me and since then I’ve been confused. His actions are the complete opposite. His actions prove that he doesn’t want me the way I want him and it has been this season that I learned people can say whatever they want to say, but if they don’t have anything to back it up, what they have said really means nothing at the end of the day.

It’s not a good feeling when you want someone more than they want you but you cannot sacrifice who you are as a person to try and get them to see you. Stop trying to prove yourself to someone who is blind to you. You don’t need them to validate the Queen that resides in your spirit. Your value is in your ability to think, make wise decisions, love people in spite of their demons, and your ability to know that YOU ARE VALUABLE. I wasn’t that girl who thought if I had sex with a man he would fall in love with me, but I was that woman who thought sex was the glue. I thought it could hold things together and bring men back. Sex is really just sex. It’s something that human beings need but sex is not getting ready to make a man want you as much as you want him, that’s for damn sure. I’ve poured so much of myself into a man who gave me no refill and now I’m the one who has to keep it together. Many times we walk around and tell ourselves we’re a Queen, but then we get down on our hands and knees and beg a man to choose us, causing our crown to tilt.

An important lesson to learn when being in a situation like this is to not allow yourself to become bitter. When we get over the people who hurt us, we still feel the sting afterwards. People have to understand that pain does not completely dissolve. Physically, when we get hurt and we heal, we are still left with a scar. The scar reminds us of what we have come through and that scar usually reminds us of how bad the pain was and how deep it was. Emotionally and mentally, we are left with a sting after the healing. I shared this story about Fitz with you because it’s painful to keep it inside. It’s painful to be quiet when you’re hurting. It’s painful to pretend you’re ok when you really need a hug. It’s also painful when you think no one understands and people will judge you. I’m going through what you’re going through or what you’re coming out of and I’m praying for you. I’m praying that the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change. I’m not competitive but I don’t like to lose. Whenever I tried to get over Fitz, I felt like I was losing the game…… He was the one who showed the least amount of interest and while I told myself I wasn’t playing the game, at the end of the day I still felt like I lost. My love wasn’t powerful enough to change him but God’s love is powerful enough to change me. As I go through this transition and build myself back up, I encourage you to walk away from whatever is hurting you. That’s always the first sign. If it does nothing burt hurt you it’s not good for you, and 9 times out of 10 the person hurting you won’t change, the pain will. On a scale of 1-10, the pain Fitz caused went from a 3-9. Heartbreak isn’t easy but you must be honest with your heart in order to heal it. Accept the role you played in your pain and forgive the other person. Game over.

Scars..

Scar: A mark left on the skin or within the body where a wound, burn, or sore has not healed.

Today, I want to celebrate your scars. The scar on my heart shows that it was once abused, misused, and broken, but because someone celebrated me and cared enough to be sensitive to my scars, I was able to put the pieces back. I want to celebrate the symbols of strength that are invisible to others; the scars that remind you daily that life did not break you. I know what it feels like to feel like you are not worth celebrating. I know what it feels like to have everyone else around you praised and you looked over. I know what it feels like to feel invisible. It wasn’t until someone saw what was invisible to others, and celebrated the strength behind them that I truly understood what made scars so beautiful and unique.

I think we all deal with some insecurities growing up. Whether it be kids making fun of us at school, or crazy lies we tell ourselves. But, besides the little jokes that start at school, and the lies in our head, to grow up feeling like you are not worth celebrating stems from the lack of celebration in your home growing up. I’ll never forget the year my family didn’t celebrate my birthday. A week before my 12th birthday, I got suspended off the school bus. I was bouncing a basketball in the aisle causing my bus driver to become distracted several times. My mother was so mad at me that she put me on punishment. She was going completely blind at the time so she would not be able to drop me off or pick me up from school. My step-father left for work around 6 am which was before my sisters and I got up to get ready for school so I guess he couldn’t take me either. Mommy told me I wouldn’t be doing anything for my birthday and that I was on punishment for the month. I was that child who never knew what she wanted for her birthday or Christmas so in a way I wasn’t totally heartbroken when she said that. I didn’t have any big plans for my birthday anyway. My last party was when I was in kindergarten so I wasn’t expecting a huge celebration. But, I must admit I thought I was still getting a birthday cake, a birthday card with some money and some extra lovin’ from my parents. Boy, was I wrong. I was SO wrong. No one wished me a “Happy Birthday” nor did I receive anything. I was really hurt about that. My birthday wasn’t even worth celebrating. Two years ago when I got my first car, my aunt was SO excited for me. She couldn’t stop hugging me and smiling and calling everyone in the family. I was happy but I wasn’t expressing any excitement. After about two hours, my aunt was really confused. I overheard her on the phone with my grandfather saying: “Daddy, this little girl has been let down so many times, she doesn’t even know how to get happy for herself.” I can remember what she said verbatim because it was true. When I was hoping someone would celebrate me and cheer me on, it never happened so if I got praise, I accepted it. If I didn’t, I was ok. I was very happy to have my own car but I didn’t think I was worth the celebration so I didn’t celebrate.

It wasn’t until I moved in with my other aunt that I realized I was worth the celebration. She got excited about everything I did. When I sold a home theater system at Bose, when I got employee of the month, when I got an A on a 10 point quiz, when I got a bonus check from work…everything! She celebrated me almost every day. She genuinely wanted the best for me and she was proud of any and everything that I did. Everything I thought about in that nine months, she pushed me to do it. She thought I was worth celebrating. I didn’t really know how to receive it at first. For so long my own family made me feel like I had nothing to offer. I was in competition with my sisters and I was constantly losing. When I moved to Virginia and got on my feet, every time I would go home and talk with my parents, they would tell me how proud they were of me and they took credit for everything I was doing. My step-father justified that by saying, “If we gave you everything, you would have never learned how to work for what you have. It feels good to have your own now right?” I honest to God wanted to roll my eyes in his face but I didn’t. I just smiled and said, “Right.” My mother would say: “See, you’re able to do all of this stuff because of everything I taught you. I’m proud of you girl. I was just like you when I was your age.” Though my mother and I had our ups and downs, I’d be lying if I said she isn’t responsible for the woman I am today. I am a lot like her. From learning how to cook, clean, wash clothes, balance a check book, wash a car, work a computer, never accept ‘no’ from the first person you talk to, but going to the one who can make decisions to learning the importance of tithes and offering, she has taught me all of that so I always give her credit. Could she have showed her love for me a little better? Absolutely. She made up for a lot when I moved out of the house. She became one of my closest friends and she became everything I wanted her to be growing up. Though she was mean sometimes, I still loved her. I still obeyed and honored her and sometimes when people treat you good no matter how badly you treat them, you can’t help but to return the love and eventually that’s what she did.

I had to be ok with the way my story was written. That was the only way I would be able to truly celebrate me. I had to celebrate getting over the past, loving people beyond their demons, and I had to learn to celebrate me all by myself. Growing up feeling like I wasn’t good enough was one of the most depressing things I’ve ever had to go through. Sharing this with you wasn’t easy because it still hurts. I’m still dealing with seeds of bitterness. As you forgive, you will hurt. In order to acknowledge and face something, you must allow yourself to feel. I can still feel the pain of my parents not celebrating my 12th birthday and I’m 21 years old. But, if I don’t allow myself to feel, I’ll never be able to truly heal and forgive. I encourage you to pull yourself up and allow those emotional and mental wounds to heal up. They leave scars but you need those to remind you of what cannot defeat you.. Life can be depressing if we focus on all of the things that hurt us with victimized eyes and unforgiving hearts, but a life of healing can be gained if you allow what hurt you to make you better.

With love,

Darian